handcuffed in the present tense

I'm a little late, so bear with me.

---

2.

I wonder
when I wander
into those silken sheets
and sleep of waking wishes
which is the dream inside the dream
when I wander
I wonder

This looked intriguing:

"I challenge you to write 100 poems in 100 days. Give yourself permission to write total crap. Share it in raw form, before you do any major editing. You may edit it after the 100 days are over. Who will take up this challenge?"

Might as well, it's been too long since I've written poetry.

---

1.

To write a poem of love,
emotions fleeting, delicate to say
wings beating as the white dove.

It evades poetic rules thereof.
The gods know of our way;
to write a poem of love

is to reach of stars above
straining high, but chained away,
wings beating as the white dove.

Delicate romance, handled with gloves
afraid of fractures and going astray,
to write a poem of love.

Handing a heart and all strings of
to another, praying for them to stay.
Wings beating as the white dove.

Sometimes, all one needs is a shove
to declare deep feelings on display.
To write a poem of love,
wings beating as the white dove.

Time for another update! :)

- The diet is still progressing on strong, although I was hit by the start of some detox yesterday. I was expecting it to hit more around day 2-3, so it was a little later than I had expected. Woke up with some a horrible headache and my throat felt horrible. I decided against talking for most of the day - I only talked on the phone once. Today my throat is a lot better, but I know that there are still some things working out of my body. I'm assuming most of it is sinus related, since I've had moments where my sinuses have felt amazingly clear. Right now they're stuffed up again, but we'll see if that clears up in the next couple days.

- I've drastically increased my water intake per the detox hitting. The more water I have running through my system, the faster that anything toxic will get out of my body. I have a small pitcher of water next to my desk, and I get through about two of them in a day.

- I'm having no big problems with cravings - I've had a couple bounce up from time to time, but usually they go away within a couple of minutes or are alleviated once I eat something. The only time that this has become an issue is when my dad cooks some fragrant food (ex: popcorn) and the smell drives me bonkers.

- One problem that I'm still having is making sure that I'm getting enough calories. I've been on a downward trend on the weight scale for the past six days, and the decline is sharp enough that I'm getting concerned. One concern that I had was that it was water loss, so I upped my water intake appropriately, which hasn't seemed to do much lately. My calorie intake for the day is on the low side, mainly because I do have a tendency to get full quickly. An example is eating a mango, which is a lot of bulk when it's on the plate, but by the time I finish it, I'm full, even though I only managed to eat 135 calories.

- I'm getting a better idea of what foods to shop for, I'll tend to eat fruits and veggies that are easier to eat. This might be part of being a software engineer at heart - keep it simple, stupid! I'm more likely to eat a banana or a pear than an orange. Some fruits are worth it though - I love pomegranates, and they actually pack a lot of calories in those fruits. Mixed greens are relatively easy to eat once I make a quick olive oil or tahini-based salad dressing.

Overall though, I'm having fun with this raw diet. :D

I figured I'd write a quick update while I'm waiting for some video processing to finish.

I'm on day four of my raw foods diet, and it's actually been deceptively easy most of the time to do. I've only had cravings for a couple of cooked foods once in a while, one of them being pizza of all things. The only allowances outside of the raw diet that I've given myself is whatever sugar is present in the homeopathics that I use, which is quite negligible. I am supplementing some cal/mag at this time as well, and might start up on the iron here in a bit, being a menstruating female.

I've learned quite a bit in the last couple days:

- It's actually quite difficult to get the recommended number of calories on a raw diet. I am using some caloric staples, such as bananas, guacamole and tahini. The last two have quite the fat content, so it's nice to have them for a full feeling, but I can't rely on them too much. Other foods have really small calorie contents, such as celery.

- There are some veggies that I like eating way more than others. I usually don't like eating bananas, but they're great when thrown into the blender along with some berries or greens. Celery is a pain in the jaw, and I've learned to either cut the stalk so that I don't have to chew it as much or just leave it off of the menu altogether. I originally got celery thinking to use it as a dipper, but I've found more satisfaction in using cucumber for the same purpose, especially since I love cucumber.

- One has to be extremely careful in making spicy foods on a raw food diet. Capsaicin is fat-soluble, which means that if one is under attack by The Spicy, the best way to clear it away is with a fat-heavy food or drink; This is the reason why milk is used as a spicy food remedy. There are not many foods or drinks available in a raw food diet that have fat in them, some examples are avocados, nuts, and tahini. It's too easy in a raw food diet to make something so hot that you cannot eat it, where in a regular diet you could eat it with no problems. I'm laying off the spicy for the remainder of this diet, except for the incidental heat I may get from a batch of guacamole.

- Cold weather sucks on a raw food diet. Losing weight during cold weather sucks too. I've counted myself lucky that I live in the basement of a house at this point in time, with a space heater (Read: my large TV) to keep me warm.

I'll post up more updates as more insights come to mind. :)

Out of all of my creative outlets online, this seems like to best to talk about my latest 30 day trial.

For those who are unaware of the concept of a 30 day trial, it means picking out some habit you want to form, a way of living that you want to try out, or a new hobby that you want to pursue and dedicate yourself to it for 30 days. I have a couple of 30 day trials that I'm pursuing as of today, but one of the most intriguing is the one that I'm doing with my diet.

In the next 30 days, I'll be doing a raw foods diet.

Since something this interesting would be a shame to not write about, I'll be trying my best to write updates as I come up with them. A lot of the ideas that I'm getting for food ideas come from Steve Pavlina's trials with raw food diets. I'm also ready for the pitfalls that might occur with the raw food diet, such as:

- Deficiencies, such as iron, calcium, B12, protein and calories. Most of these I already have supplements ready to go or within driving distance to be picked up in the next day, but the one I'm actually concerned about is the calorie deficiency. I need to be acutely aware to make sure that I'm always above the starvation line for my calorie maintenance level. This might be the hardest to do, since vitamin deficiencies can be easily fixed and added into the diet, but I'd be in trouble if I dipped too close to the starvation level. I'm counting my calories (yay spreadsheets) more for starvation concerns.
- Detox symptoms. I know what detox symptoms feel like since I've done some body cleanses in the past, but those will be nothing like what I'll be encountering on the diet. I may feel like I'm below the weather for a couple of days, not to mention sad/upset/angry/etc. I've already warned my gf about what might happen, and she's already told me to talk with her as much as I can if something's bothering me. Should be interesting. :)
- Psychic/Empathy gains. I've heard from sources that upon doing this diet, if psychic or empathy senses are present or developed, they will expand during this kind of diet. I'm curious to see if this is in fact the case, and may do some exercises with a partner to see if this is actually the case. I've heard the rumors, but may put them to the test to see for myself. :)

I'm really excited about how this could turn out - my dad's supportive and upon hearing what I'm planning to undertake, let me know that we already have some raw nuts that he buys on a regular basis. Looks like I may need to raid the nuts in those cases where I'm feeling a bit deprived or worried about calories.

\:D/

In a style somewhat similar to what my friend nachtrabe has done, I'm starting to do some shadow work. Mine is more out of immediate necessity instead of a deliberated decision. I talked to him earlier today on getting started, and need to start my shadow work immediately given the circumstances.

I was thinking of writing down my thoughts in this journal under a filter in case people were interested in the process or the results. It's safe to say that there might be a lot of things divulged in the entries that aren't for the faint of heart, since I'll be digging into things that can be downright terrifying.

It's appropriate, however, that I extend the courtesy of reading such entries to those who are interested in following me for the ride. I've been teaching a lot of people lately on looking deep within themselves - even into the dark places - on a road to self discovery. It's only fair that I show them that I do the same thing and the ways in which I do it.

If you're interested in reading, please leave a comment and leave a reason as to why you want to follow along. I'll have all comments screened, so everyone should be anonymous.

You Are An INFJ

The Protector You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity. Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is. You are an excellent listener with almost infinite patience. You have complex feelings, and you take great care to express them. In love, you see relationships as an opportunity to connect and grow. You enjoy relationships when they are improving and changing. You can't stand stagnation. At work, you stay motivated and happy... as long as you are working toward a dream you support. You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher. How you see yourself: Hardworking, ethical, and helpful When other people don't get you, they see you as: Manipulative, weak, and unstable

I originally wrote a lot of stuff here in an attempt to fall to sleep, but have since erased it.

I guess what it all boiled down to was the following:

( Read more... )

I've decided to make a journal for my spiritual writings, mostly as a way to clear the clutter from this Lovejournal.

You can find it here: Hounds of Annwfn.

Luna smiles down upon me.
Almost full and shining.
The night streets are lit with a faint pale white.
The brisk air invites me to take another step.

A couple steps in, I forget about the slight twitch in my hand.
More steps, the old Kendo injury.
Even more steps, the Aikido one.
I just keep stepping forward, waiting as each ache wrests itself free.

Looking up at Luna, I ask her why it's so hard.
I hear many answers:
"Because the rest has been easy."
"Why, would you rather it be painless?"
"What would you learn from such an endeavor?"
I can't exactly argue with any of her responses.

I walk paths that I've never walked.
Drifting through the park with the Alice in Wonderland motif.
Falling down the rabbit hole, indeed.
I see a couple get out of their recently parked car.
They clearly weren't expecting company.
As their hands fumble for each other's clothing, I fade into the shadows.
The ghost that I've always been.

I walk paths that I've dreaded.
I look up at the windows of where I used to create solutions.
There's the room where I discussed progress with team members.
Same room that I let the truth fly.
I start to wonder if the sacrifice I paid was worth it.
I would still be talking in that room if I kept silent.
It's a horrible question.

I discover what I've been looking for.
A stone bench next to a body of water.
I sit, allowing my roots to grow into the earth.
The stone is cold against my hands, through my jeans.

Luna smiles down upon me.

I've been contemplating splitting this blog, much like how my friend nachtrabe did with Hrafn's Reflections.

There will be some obvious differences, since I'm coming from a different perspective. I'm very much a novice compared to some of my friends, and my background is Celtic as opposed to Northern Tradition. I may even have most of the entries locked for my own records and then release them as appropriate.

Thoughts/Ideas?

"Handcuffed in the present tense, variations in your violence.
Mindgames and pretty girls, a cracked song in the universe.
I think it's time to show them what I'm made of,
I'm afraid but there's so much to be afraid of.
Kill the fire so we don't get burned.
Kill the fire and you won't get burned." - Garbage, Deadwood

---

I've written on this website, or some variation on it, for many years now. I have entries dating back to 2000, which is mainly due to a merging that I did a couple years ago to merge all my entries to this website. Most of the data's survived, less some data that got wiped out during a hacker attack that was targeted at lesbians. All of it is readily available for anyone to read, and there's a reason why.

Life is indeed a school of hard knocks, and all I can do is provide my own perspective into what I've seen and done. I'm not a saint, and I've made more than my fair share of mistakes. I've backed out of my word, I've outright lied, and I've betrayed myself.

What are these mistakes then, but just stepping stones towards making myself better?

What then, if I allow others to read these mistakes and insights in an attempt to grant them the power to avoid pitfalls that I've stumbled into?

This blog, for all of its horrifically stylized writing, documents many years of my life. Sometimes I'm cryptic as all hell, and other times I'm more direct than I logically should be. I've pissed people off with my writings, I even had a girl get pissed among all imagination because I would speak my mind here.

The flip side is that I've had people comment from time to time, applauding my writings. I even had a friend say that they like reading this entries because it reminds them that no matter how far you've come and how much you've learned, there's always something new to focus on and learn.

For all that's been written here, I believe that I've helped more people than I've hurt. I use it as a tool to teach myself. What's here is either the truth or my interpretations thereof through layers of emotion. I don't lock entries. I don't have a friends-only invite. It's all I can offer.

I know of people who through pageantry will puff up their image to epic proportions. They provide a rather elaborate and interesting picture that's easily to succumb to until you've tripped past the barrier, realizing the reality within.

I know of people who through obfuscation will attempt to network on the internet, only to delete their accounts when the transgressions of the past knock at their doorstep. They've violated so many principles and people that they threaten, and then flee, when one of these trespasses emerges from their past. It's an odd feeling to attempt to look up an account only to see it obliterated from the internet. They run from others and they run from their own past, never willing to learn from it. They will be running for the rest of their own life, while repeating the sins of the past and wondering why they keep falling short at happiness.

I don't regret a thing that I've done. I'm chaotic good, this I know - not all that I do stands up well against a codex of laws, but I will make choices depending upon the greater good. I understand the meaning of willing sacrifice.

What can I do but write a tome of information that I've stumbled across, so that I may learn and become a greater individual and allow the same insight for others? It's far from the best resource, in this I'm humble, but it's what I can do.

I choose to be open and learn, rather than sheltered and blind.

All knowledge is worth having.

"Nobody knows anything. Everyone is lying. Look out for each other." - Mark Driver

---

It's entirely too easy to come to a conclusion and hold on to it as a life raft, purely convinced of its inherent self-aiding purpose.

It's also entirely too easy to forgive and forget the waterfalls that it washes us over while clinging on, forgetting to look at the shore on the sides. We're handcuffed to the raft, as we are to the present tense, tunnel vision eyes.

This is part of the road of the wounded healer. We careen over cliffs so that we may better serve those who require our aid.

However, we must not neglect the outstretched arms of fellow beings that wish to aid us to safety.

"You need not go over this ordeal, for I've a hand to lend and a lesson to teach."

Only through being proud yet humble can be best be of use. We've always something to teach, and always something to learn.

Take their hands. Heed their words. Ponder their questions. These are all ways of discovering knowledge.

---

"In the name of Rhiannon, Lady of Horses, may my pride be tempered always with compassion."

I was at the store today with my mother, helping out with the shopping. I was at the front when someone stopped me, a greying man with a smile on his face.

"I love your shirt, I'm so proud of you wearing it."

I couldn't help but blush. My shirt read "I <3 Lesbians".

Your result for The Social Persona Test (What kind of man/woman are you?)...

The Renaissance Faire Wench (QLAF)

Quirky Liberal Alpha Female

( Read more... )

I was chilling out and reading some friend's LJs when I ran across this gem. Thought I'd do it for fun!

Go to IMDB.com and look up 10 of your favorite movies.
Post three official IMDB "Plot Keywords" for these 10 picks.
Have your friends guess the movie titles.

1) Schizophrenia / Game Theory / Teaching A Beautiful Mind - nachtrabe
2) Deviant Sex / Drug Addiction / Melancholy Requiem for a Dream - bassist
3) Adultery / Reference to Adam and Eve / Self Discovery
4) Migraine / Go / Fibonacci Pi - nachtrabe
5) One Night Stand / Science Vs. Religion / Occam's Razor Contact - bassist/mrbaw
6) Self Destructive / Subliminal Message / Support Group Fight Club - bassist/acturi913
7) Near Death Experience / Gay Rape / Secret Briefcase Pulp Fiction - bassist/sansburn
8) Psychic / Spaceship / Kicked in the Crotch Serenity - egwenesvg
9) Florist / Lesbian Kiss / Fireworks
10) Damsel in Distress / Sci Fi Spoof / Self Cannibalism Spaceballs - nachtrabe

"In the name of Nematona, Lady of the Sacred Grove, may I come to accept my destiny."

---

There are many pieces of wisdom out there regarding preoccupation, such as the well known Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr

Prayers such as this allows us a mechanism to use in order to continue on with our lives, in the hopes that we will stop treading water and instead swim for a shore - any shore - that will rescue us from drowning. There are times when this can't always be the case, where there can be so many shores that are beyond our reach, and we're treading water waiting for that one wave that will hopefully guide us home.

Before the time that the wave is coming to push me a direction, I'm still treading that water which has become more of a chore than anything. I'm waiting for the time when I can be less stressed out about paying off bills and finding jobs. The last five months haven't been "time off" at all, but instead a mental ordeal that I've been enduring with the help of many friends and acquaintances. I wade through the days like water, wondering if the next day will discover the shore.

Tomorrow, a shore will be discovered. Which shore it will be is uncertain, but at this point I will take any wave of direction that I can ride and hang on to. I'm a confident person when I know where the tide will take me, not when I'm in the dead of the sea.

Tomorrow, a wave will rise. I've come to accept that I do not know what the wave will be, but I'll take any wave graciously and ride it out until the end. The gods have gifted me with such an amazing life and supportive family that will allow me to use whatever outcome that may arise. Whatever the outcome is, I will be able to use it to continue on the path that the gods have set for me.

I discussed some of this with my mother on Mother's Day of all things. She basically told me that it's obviously clear that the universe has a different plan for me. It's not apparent right now what that plan is, but it will be discovered. It could be grad school and a career of academic teaching, it could be spiritual training and a life of counseling, it could even be software development and the foundation of a company.

Tomorrow will give me the resources and the direction for which of those paths I choose. It could even be all three. I will have to wait and see.

Until then, I tread water and attempt to help those besides me that tread water for different reasons.

I've gained a lot of insight over the past two weeks - it's almost hard to explain what the process has felt like without it sounding worse than it really was.

When I started this process around two weeks ago, I wasn't sure what to expect. Some changes in how my body feels and acts, perhaps - nothing to be concerned about. What actually happened is anything but.

It almost felt as if I was being ripped asunder - everything would make me upset at the drop of a hat and go on for hours on end. My empathy awareness was being stretched wider, feeling more than I was accustomed to. I could hear and feel emotions that I know were not mine, but it was if the shields were permanently down, so that I had to just sit and suffer through them.

That was, until the dream that I described about removing things from my body. Once that dream had occurred, it was a very different feeling. It was like my shields were back in place and much stronger, I could still sense things emphatically but not feel as overwhelmed by them, as if I had a huge on/off switch that I could use at my leisure. I still feel emotions and can feel them intensely, but it's much easier now to just stop, sit back, and think about the following things:

- Is this my emotion or not?
- If it is, interrupt the pattern, identify the schema and work it out from there
- If it's not, figure out where the emotion is coming from and take appropriate action - this could be anything from setting up a shield for that empathic link to taking action to alleviate the situation.

I've also had a case where the new empathic sense was working astoundingly well, and it prompted me to research something that I normally wouldn't have done. I did so, and it confirmed a suspicion that I held earlier today, when I was told something and it felt very... off.

I'll be done with the current stage tomorrow, in which case I'm going to take some well-deserved time off. Once the 13th rolls around I'll have a better idea of where the currents have decided to take me, and I'll make plans appropriately.

I've been a bit troubled tonight, I have been since I woke up from my nap.

The dream was fairly graphic and vivid, and the strongest part that I recall was that there was something inside of my body that was infecting the rest of me. At the start of my dream I take something into my body, and then go about the rest of my dream. Whatever I took in had started doing its magic, and as it worked through my system it was taking some substance from my body and solidifying it. Near the end of my dream, I knew I had to remove it somehow. I recall reaching into every part of my body, removing this strange gelatinous substance, tearing it out by large chunks. They all had a life of their own, something that had been inside me for way too long.

I woke up to a private message from a former colleague and learned some things that I had never known about my previous employer. It was the key that I had been looking for all this time, and it opened a door that I thought had sealed itself shut a week ago.

The night goes by, but I realize that something is not right with my body. As if it happened in real life, I see signs going on with my body that perhaps something was removed, an interesting sign indeed.

I finally tried to go to bed at 3AM, which I usually use to do my daily devotional. At one of the beads, I just have to stop.

In the name of Ruis, the Elder, may I see truth under all illusions.

I've learned a lot of truths today, and many of them are troubling. They shed a lot of light onto things that I thought weren't possible, and they've changed the way that I used to think about a lot of things. All knowledge is still worth having, but the consequences of what we know can be unexpected.

I'm still troubled though, and it will likely be a long time until things feel right again. Unfortunately in this world, sometimes people do things not because they are right or wrong, but it's either what they've been told to do, or what they can lawfully get away with.

• 14:03 All these people are now following me on twitter - I'm starting to feel obligated to post. :o #
• 14:06 @erinRae13 I've done that to my own LJ sometimes. #
• 18:12 @egwenesvg Glad to have you back in Denver! \:D/ #

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