handcuffed in the present tense

In a style somewhat similar to what my friend nachtrabe has done, I'm starting to do some shadow work. Mine is more out of immediate necessity instead of a deliberated decision. I talked to him earlier today on getting started, and need to start my shadow work immediately given the circumstances.

I was thinking of writing down my thoughts in this journal under a filter in case people were interested in the process or the results. It's safe to say that there might be a lot of things divulged in the entries that aren't for the faint of heart, since I'll be digging into things that can be downright terrifying.

It's appropriate, however, that I extend the courtesy of reading such entries to those who are interested in following me for the ride. I've been teaching a lot of people lately on looking deep within themselves - even into the dark places - on a road to self discovery. It's only fair that I show them that I do the same thing and the ways in which I do it.

If you're interested in reading, please leave a comment and leave a reason as to why you want to follow along. I'll have all comments screened, so everyone should be anonymous.

You Are An INFJ

The Protector You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity. Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is. You are an excellent listener with almost infinite patience. You have complex feelings, and you take great care to express them. In love, you see relationships as an opportunity to connect and grow. You enjoy relationships when they are improving and changing. You can't stand stagnation. At work, you stay motivated and happy... as long as you are working toward a dream you support. You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher. How you see yourself: Hardworking, ethical, and helpful When other people don't get you, they see you as: Manipulative, weak, and unstable

I originally wrote a lot of stuff here in an attempt to fall to sleep, but have since erased it.

I guess what it all boiled down to was the following:

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I've decided to make a journal for my spiritual writings, mostly as a way to clear the clutter from this Lovejournal.

You can find it here: Hounds of Annwfn.

Luna smiles down upon me.
Almost full and shining.
The night streets are lit with a faint pale white.
The brisk air invites me to take another step.

A couple steps in, I forget about the slight twitch in my hand.
More steps, the old Kendo injury.
Even more steps, the Aikido one.
I just keep stepping forward, waiting as each ache wrests itself free.

Looking up at Luna, I ask her why it's so hard.
I hear many answers:
"Because the rest has been easy."
"Why, would you rather it be painless?"
"What would you learn from such an endeavor?"
I can't exactly argue with any of her responses.

I walk paths that I've never walked.
Drifting through the park with the Alice in Wonderland motif.
Falling down the rabbit hole, indeed.
I see a couple get out of their recently parked car.
They clearly weren't expecting company.
As their hands fumble for each other's clothing, I fade into the shadows.
The ghost that I've always been.

I walk paths that I've dreaded.
I look up at the windows of where I used to create solutions.
There's the room where I discussed progress with team members.
Same room that I let the truth fly.
I start to wonder if the sacrifice I paid was worth it.
I would still be talking in that room if I kept silent.
It's a horrible question.

I discover what I've been looking for.
A stone bench next to a body of water.
I sit, allowing my roots to grow into the earth.
The stone is cold against my hands, through my jeans.

Luna smiles down upon me.

I've been contemplating splitting this blog, much like how my friend nachtrabe did with Hrafn's Reflections.

There will be some obvious differences, since I'm coming from a different perspective. I'm very much a novice compared to some of my friends, and my background is Celtic as opposed to Northern Tradition. I may even have most of the entries locked for my own records and then release them as appropriate.

Thoughts/Ideas?

"Handcuffed in the present tense, variations in your violence.
Mindgames and pretty girls, a cracked song in the universe.
I think it's time to show them what I'm made of,
I'm afraid but there's so much to be afraid of.
Kill the fire so we don't get burned.
Kill the fire and you won't get burned." - Garbage, Deadwood

---

I've written on this website, or some variation on it, for many years now. I have entries dating back to 2000, which is mainly due to a merging that I did a couple years ago to merge all my entries to this website. Most of the data's survived, less some data that got wiped out during a hacker attack that was targeted at lesbians. All of it is readily available for anyone to read, and there's a reason why.

Life is indeed a school of hard knocks, and all I can do is provide my own perspective into what I've seen and done. I'm not a saint, and I've made more than my fair share of mistakes. I've backed out of my word, I've outright lied, and I've betrayed myself.

What are these mistakes then, but just stepping stones towards making myself better?

What then, if I allow others to read these mistakes and insights in an attempt to grant them the power to avoid pitfalls that I've stumbled into?

This blog, for all of its horrifically stylized writing, documents many years of my life. Sometimes I'm cryptic as all hell, and other times I'm more direct than I logically should be. I've pissed people off with my writings, I even had a girl get pissed among all imagination because I would speak my mind here.

The flip side is that I've had people comment from time to time, applauding my writings. I even had a friend say that they like reading this entries because it reminds them that no matter how far you've come and how much you've learned, there's always something new to focus on and learn.

For all that's been written here, I believe that I've helped more people than I've hurt. I use it as a tool to teach myself. What's here is either the truth or my interpretations thereof through layers of emotion. I don't lock entries. I don't have a friends-only invite. It's all I can offer.

I know of people who through pageantry will puff up their image to epic proportions. They provide a rather elaborate and interesting picture that's easily to succumb to until you've tripped past the barrier, realizing the reality within.

I know of people who through obfuscation will attempt to network on the internet, only to delete their accounts when the transgressions of the past knock at their doorstep. They've violated so many principles and people that they threaten, and then flee, when one of these trespasses emerges from their past. It's an odd feeling to attempt to look up an account only to see it obliterated from the internet. They run from others and they run from their own past, never willing to learn from it. They will be running for the rest of their own life, while repeating the sins of the past and wondering why they keep falling short at happiness.

I don't regret a thing that I've done. I'm chaotic good, this I know - not all that I do stands up well against a codex of laws, but I will make choices depending upon the greater good. I understand the meaning of willing sacrifice.

What can I do but write a tome of information that I've stumbled across, so that I may learn and become a greater individual and allow the same insight for others? It's far from the best resource, in this I'm humble, but it's what I can do.

I choose to be open and learn, rather than sheltered and blind.

All knowledge is worth having.

"Nobody knows anything. Everyone is lying. Look out for each other." - Mark Driver

---

It's entirely too easy to come to a conclusion and hold on to it as a life raft, purely convinced of its inherent self-aiding purpose.

It's also entirely too easy to forgive and forget the waterfalls that it washes us over while clinging on, forgetting to look at the shore on the sides. We're handcuffed to the raft, as we are to the present tense, tunnel vision eyes.

This is part of the road of the wounded healer. We careen over cliffs so that we may better serve those who require our aid.

However, we must not neglect the outstretched arms of fellow beings that wish to aid us to safety.

"You need not go over this ordeal, for I've a hand to lend and a lesson to teach."

Only through being proud yet humble can be best be of use. We've always something to teach, and always something to learn.

Take their hands. Heed their words. Ponder their questions. These are all ways of discovering knowledge.

---

"In the name of Rhiannon, Lady of Horses, may my pride be tempered always with compassion."

I was at the store today with my mother, helping out with the shopping. I was at the front when someone stopped me, a greying man with a smile on his face.

"I love your shirt, I'm so proud of you wearing it."

I couldn't help but blush. My shirt read "I <3 Lesbians".

Your result for The Social Persona Test (What kind of man/woman are you?)...

The Renaissance Faire Wench (QLAF)

Quirky Liberal Alpha Female

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I was chilling out and reading some friend's LJs when I ran across this gem. Thought I'd do it for fun!

Go to IMDB.com and look up 10 of your favorite movies.
Post three official IMDB "Plot Keywords" for these 10 picks.
Have your friends guess the movie titles.

1) Schizophrenia / Game Theory / Teaching A Beautiful Mind - nachtrabe
2) Deviant Sex / Drug Addiction / Melancholy Requiem for a Dream - bassist
3) Adultery / Reference to Adam and Eve / Self Discovery
4) Migraine / Go / Fibonacci Pi - nachtrabe
5) One Night Stand / Science Vs. Religion / Occam's Razor Contact - bassist/mrbaw
6) Self Destructive / Subliminal Message / Support Group Fight Club - bassist/acturi913
7) Near Death Experience / Gay Rape / Secret Briefcase Pulp Fiction - bassist/sansburn
8) Psychic / Spaceship / Kicked in the Crotch Serenity - egwenesvg
9) Florist / Lesbian Kiss / Fireworks
10) Damsel in Distress / Sci Fi Spoof / Self Cannibalism Spaceballs - nachtrabe

"In the name of Nematona, Lady of the Sacred Grove, may I come to accept my destiny."

---

There are many pieces of wisdom out there regarding preoccupation, such as the well known Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr

Prayers such as this allows us a mechanism to use in order to continue on with our lives, in the hopes that we will stop treading water and instead swim for a shore - any shore - that will rescue us from drowning. There are times when this can't always be the case, where there can be so many shores that are beyond our reach, and we're treading water waiting for that one wave that will hopefully guide us home.

Before the time that the wave is coming to push me a direction, I'm still treading that water which has become more of a chore than anything. I'm waiting for the time when I can be less stressed out about paying off bills and finding jobs. The last five months haven't been "time off" at all, but instead a mental ordeal that I've been enduring with the help of many friends and acquaintances. I wade through the days like water, wondering if the next day will discover the shore.

Tomorrow, a shore will be discovered. Which shore it will be is uncertain, but at this point I will take any wave of direction that I can ride and hang on to. I'm a confident person when I know where the tide will take me, not when I'm in the dead of the sea.

Tomorrow, a wave will rise. I've come to accept that I do not know what the wave will be, but I'll take any wave graciously and ride it out until the end. The gods have gifted me with such an amazing life and supportive family that will allow me to use whatever outcome that may arise. Whatever the outcome is, I will be able to use it to continue on the path that the gods have set for me.

I discussed some of this with my mother on Mother's Day of all things. She basically told me that it's obviously clear that the universe has a different plan for me. It's not apparent right now what that plan is, but it will be discovered. It could be grad school and a career of academic teaching, it could be spiritual training and a life of counseling, it could even be software development and the foundation of a company.

Tomorrow will give me the resources and the direction for which of those paths I choose. It could even be all three. I will have to wait and see.

Until then, I tread water and attempt to help those besides me that tread water for different reasons.

I've gained a lot of insight over the past two weeks - it's almost hard to explain what the process has felt like without it sounding worse than it really was.

When I started this process around two weeks ago, I wasn't sure what to expect. Some changes in how my body feels and acts, perhaps - nothing to be concerned about. What actually happened is anything but.

It almost felt as if I was being ripped asunder - everything would make me upset at the drop of a hat and go on for hours on end. My empathy awareness was being stretched wider, feeling more than I was accustomed to. I could hear and feel emotions that I know were not mine, but it was if the shields were permanently down, so that I had to just sit and suffer through them.

That was, until the dream that I described about removing things from my body. Once that dream had occurred, it was a very different feeling. It was like my shields were back in place and much stronger, I could still sense things emphatically but not feel as overwhelmed by them, as if I had a huge on/off switch that I could use at my leisure. I still feel emotions and can feel them intensely, but it's much easier now to just stop, sit back, and think about the following things:

- Is this my emotion or not?
- If it is, interrupt the pattern, identify the schema and work it out from there
- If it's not, figure out where the emotion is coming from and take appropriate action - this could be anything from setting up a shield for that empathic link to taking action to alleviate the situation.

I've also had a case where the new empathic sense was working astoundingly well, and it prompted me to research something that I normally wouldn't have done. I did so, and it confirmed a suspicion that I held earlier today, when I was told something and it felt very... off.

I'll be done with the current stage tomorrow, in which case I'm going to take some well-deserved time off. Once the 13th rolls around I'll have a better idea of where the currents have decided to take me, and I'll make plans appropriately.

I've been a bit troubled tonight, I have been since I woke up from my nap.

The dream was fairly graphic and vivid, and the strongest part that I recall was that there was something inside of my body that was infecting the rest of me. At the start of my dream I take something into my body, and then go about the rest of my dream. Whatever I took in had started doing its magic, and as it worked through my system it was taking some substance from my body and solidifying it. Near the end of my dream, I knew I had to remove it somehow. I recall reaching into every part of my body, removing this strange gelatinous substance, tearing it out by large chunks. They all had a life of their own, something that had been inside me for way too long.

I woke up to a private message from a former colleague and learned some things that I had never known about my previous employer. It was the key that I had been looking for all this time, and it opened a door that I thought had sealed itself shut a week ago.

The night goes by, but I realize that something is not right with my body. As if it happened in real life, I see signs going on with my body that perhaps something was removed, an interesting sign indeed.

I finally tried to go to bed at 3AM, which I usually use to do my daily devotional. At one of the beads, I just have to stop.

In the name of Ruis, the Elder, may I see truth under all illusions.

I've learned a lot of truths today, and many of them are troubling. They shed a lot of light onto things that I thought weren't possible, and they've changed the way that I used to think about a lot of things. All knowledge is still worth having, but the consequences of what we know can be unexpected.

I'm still troubled though, and it will likely be a long time until things feel right again. Unfortunately in this world, sometimes people do things not because they are right or wrong, but it's either what they've been told to do, or what they can lawfully get away with.

• 14:03 All these people are now following me on twitter - I'm starting to feel obligated to post. :o #
• 14:06 @erinRae13 I've done that to my own LJ sometimes. #
• 18:12 @egwenesvg Glad to have you back in Denver! \:D/ #

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I was stumbling around the internets when I found this gem, which actually resonates very closely with what I've been asked to do over the next couple weeks. I hope this helps out others who are looking for a good compilation of ways to help our bodies cope with extensive spirit work.

All knowledge is worth having. -Kushiel's Dart

One of the most engaging books that I've read since my push towards becoming more familiar with paganism has to be The Pathwalker's Guide to the Nine Worlds by Raven Kaldera. it leaves an impression upon me in many ways, some of which are as follows:

First, I enjoy the descriptions of what it feels like to go through a Shamanistic trial. Now, I'm not implying that I've been going through one of sorts, and even if I did, it'd be more akin to Shaman Lite. The reason why I like the descriptions is that it makes me very well aware of how it feels when a god or goddess talks directly to a person. What Kaldera goes through when discovering Hela reminds me very much of Samhain of '08 and the overwhelming feeling of Arawn being part of my life since then. He gave me an explicit geas that I'm to follow, which I've done faithfully since Samhain. He extended it when I let him know that I wanted to continue on the path to becoming a priestess, and have followed it to this day. I could feel it in my entire body when the geas went into effect, as if I had his power and presence to follow it through. Normally I would have dismissed things of this nature, but Kaldera's insight helped me recognize what was occurring. Without this, I probably would have been without a geas, but also with no chance of priesthood and stuck in a horribly harmful situation without the courage to reverse it.

Second, it allows me the realization of a different way of learning a religion and keeping touch with the gods. A lot of the material that I read about on Celtic paganism and Druidism seem plagued by formalization and rigid ceremony. This part hits a strange part of me, since I personally feel that if I need to do things a certain way, the gods can contact me personally and tell me what I need to know. Arawn told me during Samhain '07 to say his name in the dead of night if I ever needed his assistance. I've had personal training from Cernunnos lately, where he's taken me hunting and instructs me on the things that I need to start collecting and crafting to continue on my way. I will admit that there's a big place in religion and spirituality for mythology and proven techniques and practices, but we shouldn't let those get in the way of what matters the most - learning about, living with, and serving the gods.

Third, it gives me an insight into the Nine Worlds. Kaldera is a Northern Tradition Shaman, and his gods are not my gods. His gods' lands are not my gods' lands. However, that does *not* mean that I won't have an experience from the gods and goddesses of Northern Tradition. In my voyages, I may need to visit the Nine Worlds, and some of them I may be more welcome to than others (Helheim comes to mind, due to my patron god's affiliation with the Underworld). In the course of my future world, I may well need to communicate with Northern Tradition gods and goddesses because they are the gods and goddesses of someone that I need to help. This perspective helps in the case that I'll need to go, and what to watch for.

Fourth, it exposes me to techniques that I can use in my own tradition, and talks about skills that I may have been exposed to that I couldn't find a good explanation of in Celtic research. Grounding, centering and shielding are basics that all occultists should know, and some gods will allow you to astrally travel. I'm currently restricted by my patron god; he wants me to stay focused on what's happening in the physical realm right now since there's a lot at stake. As such, the descriptions on pathwalking are extremely helpful, and might be something that I'll actually attempt at some point in the near future. I'll need to do more research on this, however, since I won't be traveling so much to the Nine Worlds, but instead to other areas (for me, that would most likely be the Underworld when I'm ready to fully work with Arawn). Other concepts are described in the pathwalking section - one that particularly sticks out is the concept of glamour. I've been a long-term victim of glamour very recently, and I'm still not sure if the wielder was intentionally using it or wasn't even aware of its power. My gods took me through a crash course over a week ago as to how to detect glamour and break its spell, and it was a very hard dream, or shall I say nightmare, to work through. It had me shaken up for the rest of the day, and I had to take a full day of rest to recover from.

At first, I had reservations when I first decided to purchase this book back in November, especially with it coming off more as a sourcebook for Northern Tradition than my own tradition. I had a gut feeling (or perhaps divine inspiration) to go ahead and get it, and I haven't regretted it since. It's a wonderful book to have, and as a friend of mine says, it gives me an excellent source of knowledge that I can easily use in my own spiritual work. All knowledge is worth having.

I was "greeted" and welcomed back into the fold, after four months of absence. My tasks were just the same as when I had left them that fateful day, the day that I was called away from my desk to never return. The progress was still marked, the tasks were numbered the same. I remember being on the phone talking to someone I had never met trying to figure out more about if there were any new requirements, but they couldn't tell me anything. They were new there.

They were not the only new ones. At the next meeting, I saw groups of new faces - either still in college or just recently graduated. Their faces were enthusiastic but too innocent for these walls, their exuberance far overreaching their expertise. They threw words around about the methodology as if quoting scripture, but it was all wrong - they used the wrong words to describe core principles, almost if they read the antithesis instead. They were devoid of any true emotion, I sensed nothing from them at all. They would ramble off core ideals of the environment and atmosphere, but I didn't recognize anyone or anything, it had long since melted into greys.

The entire room had a pulsing aura of seething malice, which I could feel creeping up upon me, its tendrils threatening to suck the independence from me through my skin. The land wight was either trapped or long since fled this abysmal place, and left the area to its own devices.

Among the crowd of people I saw a familiar face finally, but it had been morphed. It no longer radiated vigor and pride, but instead had been weathered and aged by the worries of the times. They escorted me somewhere rather fast, where they told me they had tried contacting me repeatedly through many methods, and I the same, but we never connected. Something was conspiring against us, and it was still active.

They looked at me and said that I had to get out, that it was not safe for me here. Run, run forever, and never come back.

They showed me a backway out of the area, the rest blocked by drones and security guards. All along the way, they told me of the trials that had gone unhindered through the past months, and I felt a strong sense of empathy towards the individual. I implored them to leave with me, but they replied that they were stuck here, and no matter how much they'd like to come with me, they had to stick there until the very end. Their heart went out to me, and I watched their face disappear from view as the door shut between us.

I was physically free again, thanks to their help. I didn't know if I'll ever be free from them totally as long as the last remaining good people were still stranded there, stuck in a complicated, sticky web.

I did the only thing I could do then.

I ran.

In the name of Arawn, Lord of the Underworld, may I never fear the dark places within me.

Autopilot is one of the default settings that many people have on their emotions today. The emotion, seen as an unknown entity, stalks into their mind "for who knows what reason" and wreaks havoc on their life. People view emotions as uncontrollable, something to be acted on or repressed. It takes a more focused mind to juts sit back, interrupt the pattern, and just watch what the emotion is doing. How does it feel, what are the physical effects, what past memories am I being flooded with while this is happening?

Some people, instead of taking a mindful approach to emotions, will instead repeat them. A similar trigger occurs, the emotions are triggered, and the frustration or screaming commence. They won't dig down into the issue of why they feel this way, they won't interrupt their thinking process, they'll roll with it with accusations of "it's the other person's fault".

More people need to dig down into the darker places within them and find out what's lurking beneath, so that they more understand themselves and why they do things. This is the first step to everything - learning how to live with ones own self, learning to live with others, learning to do things for the greater good of all. We can't solve problems that we don't know are there, Are Your Lights On teaches us that a problems solver needs to ask the pertinent question first: What is the problem? It's only later on that we delve into other questions, such as "Who has the problem?"

I once knew an individual who had deep seated personality and psychiatric issues, ones that were becoming so hard to deal with that they were starting to interfere with his personal and professional life. He would jump from job to job, convinced that it was always other people's faults for his fluctuating career instead of looking at his own habits and world views. He was seeing a psychiatrist about what was going on, for how long I'm not sure, but he would never tell the psychiatrist anything about what was going on about his life. He had become such a habitual liar that he would instinctively lie during his sessions - not due out of malice, but because he had been lying to himself about his problems for years on end. His habitual practices and attitudes simply would not allow him to tell the truth anymore - he wouldn't dare look within his the dark places of his soul, for he was afraid of what he may find there. Unable to face up to his "unspeakable horrors" in his own mind, he could never start the healing process that all human beings deserve.

As a follower of Arawn, I've looked at the dark places within me since the day I was born. It's innate, it just happens. I don't do so to berate and ridicule myself (although that sometimes happens), but instead to find out how to solve my biggest issues and go forth into the world. Sometimes it's only through honesty that real problems can be shed into light so that they may be worked on. If we don't know the problem, we can't solve it.

Even Arawn had to look within himself to see the dark places within him and find a way to solve it. Havgan, a neighboring king of Annwfn, constantly waged war upon Arawn's realm, but Arawn was unable to best Havgan in singular combat. When Arawn met Pwyll at Glynn Cuch after Pwyll mistakingly takes Arawn's rightful kill, Arawn already knows the biggest thing in his heart that he's struggling with, so he asks Pwyll to defeat his rival. Pwyll does so in a year and a day's time, and earns Arawn's frieldship as well as a title. It was due to Arawn's willingness to look in his heart and his acceptance of the fact that he couldn't do the feat alone that allowed both Arawn and Pwyll to be victorious.

Look inside yourself and see what's there, so that you may better help you and yours onto a more happy and successful life.

There was once an interesting question that came up during a game of "Would You Rather?" with a group of friends over a year ago. The question was inherently simple, but it would tell a lot about the person by their answer. The question was as follows:

Would you rather have the ability to always experience double the pleasure or half the pain?

An overwhelming amount of people resounded to the first answer, when only one of my friends and myself replied with the second. When we were asked why, however, they were two fairly different reasons.

My friend said that he had to many disappointments in his life and so many torments that he would feel so much better if he didn't feel all the grief of those encounters.

My answer was because I'm an empath, and right now, I feel *everything*.

Empathy is such a bizarre animal in that the first question that ultimately comes up is "Anger is one side of emotions, why do we feel that more than we feel the happy emotions?" Unfortunately, it's because negative emotions are much easier to read than positive emotions, and they're tied to our basic instincts of fight and flight. Our survival instincts are tied into detecting negative emotions, so we pick them up more.

Training empathy is extremely hard, especially in the somewhat weakened state that I'm arguably in right now. My patron deity is having me go through a cleansing of sorts, which is wreaking havoc on my body. So when a disappointment goes on that I would have a hard enough time dealing with anyway, the increased emotions that I feel from others on the same issue is almost hard to bear.

I don't think some people realize that the decisions that I usually make is to avoid being in so much pain. People automatically assume that the reasons that I do things are out of malice and material gain, and it's just me trying to not be constantly bombarded by negative emotions. I had that happen at my old work environment - I finally came forward about something extremely horrible that I had seen going on at the office, and I was terminated for it. I was making a decision last week just to avoid being in so much pain all the time, and I was told by others that they were disappointed by my decision because they thought I was doing it for glory and material gain.

I feel so hurt when people suddenly lose their trust in me when they hold me to such allegations and accusations, assuming that I do things for particular reasons. The only things I'm searching for in this life are knowledge, truth and love. I'm tired of trying to convince people of my true reasons for doing things when they are so adamant on their first assumptions.

It's hard to trust anyone anymore.

I'd rather have half the pain.